sarc.

I’m Ruth. A self deprecating 32 year old woman with the body of a hot 22 year old attached to my fridge for constant berating motivation. I have successfully competed and won medals in the sexual Olympics 4 times and my trophies range in ages from my 12 year old son to my 6 year old daughter who has been confirmed as containing 97% of my DNA just by the things that come out of her mouth.

I call myself a writer, but I also called myself Saffron Morgan for a 3 week period in 6th grade so one cannot really assess how accurate that depiction might be. I scored a perfect 3600 on my EATS, which means I can gain a pound in a day if I put my mind to it which is a topic I discuss heavily on this platform.

I’ve been featured on the Ellen show once, Re-tweeted by a dude in Las Vegas who said HAHAHA, and my picture is on the hostess stand of the local Mexican restaurant as a frequent customer who is no longer allowed to write checks.

I love to run and have done so from all of my problems for the past 13 years and have managed to complete 3 half marathons and a whole one where I sneezed out a tampon and didn’t break my stride. This will be on my tombstone.

I’m unemployed but I hold a bachelors degree in something I could have learned on YouTube and took out student loans to obtain for thousands of dollars off the internet. When I was 17 I was my most successful as a nursing student/Paramedic who drove an ambulance like the ones you typically see sitting in the Wendy’s and Taco Bell parking lots. After getting knocked up in a barracks room at the age of 18 I dropped out of college and have pretty much given up on everything except the Monopoly game at McDonalds.

I’ve never been called pretty or successful but I do get called frequently by Bill Collectors and asked for information about my hot single friends. I’m fun at parties and my tolerance for vodka far exceeds my tolerance for people in general.

I love shoes, Supernatural, Gingers, Music, Vodka, Happy Endings, (may you RIP) my kids, make up, running, stuff crust pizzas, cross fit (I cross my fingers every time I try to fit into my jeans) writing, laughing, it’s Britney Bitch, high heels that also double as weapons, and long walks from the parking lot to the inside of most restaurant and fast food establishments.

I re-blog some, I write some, I post my filtered face some, my photography some, the ins and outs of being in a place without an In N Out, and occasionally quotes from some of the most noble men the world has ever known (characters from the aforementioned CW show, Supernatural).

You might say I’m crazy, I might say you’re right, but chances are my music is too loud to give a fuck what you’re saying. If you vote for me I promise to have all the tampon machines turned into doobie dispensers and petition for individual alcohol bottles in the vending machines.

thank you.

She moved on and I feel sorry for you, because she overlooked your flaws, your temper, your selfishness, your inability to love anyone but yourself. She could have anyone in the world, but she still chose you every time. All you are now is a crease in her past, a scar on her chest, a memory that fades faster than a photograph of you in a sealed box, hidden. Maybe now she will fight for someone who loves her, instead of someone who sucks the life out of her, never satisfied, even with her beating heart in his greedy hands.

—(via jennayliu)

(Source: itsannaliousbabe, via fatboymuzik)

I choose you. And I’ll choose you, over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you.

—my hearth - lifequotesrus (via perfect)

Me about vodka. Not men. Obvs.

(via clumsyycardhouse)

jxwolf asked: Yesterday was terrible and I asked myself " WWRD". So I drank some vodka, immediately added cranberry juicy to it while thinking "I can't even do that correctly". And eventually just ordered cheese fries from the burger place down the street. Point of the rant is: a random weirdo from the internet thinks of you in the best light, and hopes you and the gang are doing well. Xo

Thank you for the well wishes and for future reference if you’ve ever wondered WWRD? The answers are:

* make terrible decisions when it comes to men and relationships
*pour some vodka drank
*get drunk
* take off my shoes
* cry

I’ve left out the steps where I call and text and beg them to love me because I’ll let you guess how well that worked out for me. Lol.

Keep your chin up and never forget the cranberry juice or your Cranberries CD in the quad.

Mike said I should show the girls how to get truck drivers to honk at them but I only know how to do that by showing them my boobs…

Conversation with my husband.

  • Him: we should knock over a convenience store like Bonnie & Clyde. I do have my pistol. Think of all the money we could save.
  • Me: We are in Texas. I'm pretty sure everyone has a gun and its a lot bigger than yours. Might be a euphemism.
  • Him: It's not the size of the gun It's what you can do with it.
  • Me: Well in that case we're both gonna be badly fucked.

We got a trucking’ convoy.

Since we’re driving in 2 separate vehicles we got walkie tAlkie radios to keep contact and we all got names
Papa smurf is Mike
Beardless Dragon is Mikey
Fat bottom girl is me
Aubree is Left eye
Charity is cherry bomb and Mia is Kibbles n bits.

We like to use such phrases as we’re coming up your rear and I have visual confirmation. Mia likes to yell I’ve got something von thermal!!! Because well she’s mia.

We can’t go faster than 73 miles per hour so that’s fun at this rate we will be in Colorado on time for next years red rocks performances.

Time to drive this ark to the promised land. I can almost smell the good ganjuju

I’m in a hotel room ONE THAT IS NOT IN ALABAMA- trying to keep my shit together enough for the sleep meds to kick in so I can go to bed and wake up and drive another 8 hours in the car with 2 cats, a dog 3 daughters and a radio that only gets 5 stations all of which are either Christian Rock Radio or Country and not the kind I grew up on, the terrible shitty kind they make now.

There was no YOU ARE NOW LEAVING ALABAMA sign at our crossing and this was almost as detrimental to me as the past 3 months so I just sucked it up and flipped off the Mississippi Alabama border and continued to not think about anything while I drove. 

So that’s it I am no longer in Alabama, my birthday is coming up and I have so many stupid emotions I’m going to just put them all in a condom and flush them down the toilet like I should have all that sperm I swallowed.

So here’s to another tomorrow and a future brighter than the day glo leg warmers I wore on the day I started 6th grade 21 years ago. 

Goodnight.